There are some moments spared in the perspective of my day, when i piss, that i feel that every major concern that consumes my mind disappears with the semi-acid coctail of piss that casts out of my penis to the center of the toilet, like stars fading into oblivion or like water merging into a waterfall.
And there might be a small amount of seconds at that time, but, they stand as aeons as i close my eyes and take out of my body everything unneeded.
I take so much delight in these moments, as much as i detest the picture of me cleaning the small yellow drops on the toilet seat after the job is done.
But, it's all worth the mess.

"Ο Θεός υπάρχει στο μυαλό των αυτών που δεν έχουν γνωρίσει ενδιαφέροντες ανθρώπους."
Έτσι λεει η γιαγια μου. Μου το λέει απο τότε που θυμάμαι τον εαυτό μου. Μπορεί να θυμάμαι τον εαυτό μου από τα 18 και μετά ή καπου εκεί αλλά τελος παντων θυμάμαι τη γιαγιά μου να μου το λέει και να μου δίνει μια σοκολάτα.

Τότε της έλεγα "Μαλιστα γιαγιά" και έπερνα τη σοκολάτα χωρίς να της αρνηθώ τίποτα. Δεν καταλάβαινα και πολλά αλλά τώρα μου φαίνονται όλα τόσο καθαρά. Θεωρώ τη γιαγιά μου σοφό ανθρωπο γιατί έχει ενα κεφάλι ελαφιού στο σπίτι της. Ένα κεφάλι ελαφιού από αυτα τα ανατριχιαστικά ταριχευμένα κεφάλια ζώων που νιώθεις πως σε κοιτούν σαν περάσεις την πόρτα. Πάντα απέφευγα να κοιμηθώ σπίτι της προσποιούμενος πως με πονάει η κοιλιά μου από την πολλή σοκολάτα, αλλά, στην πραγματικότητα φοβόμουν μην σηκωθεί το άμοιρο ζωντανό στη μέση της νύχτας και μου ορμίξει.

Η γιαγιά μου λέει πως μίλησε στο Θεο όταν ήταν 17. Ήρθε τελετουργικά μέσα από ενα σύννεφο καπνού με κρότους και εκρήξεις -έτσι όπως είθισται να έρχονται οι Θεοί- και της ψέλλισε κάτι που δεν κατάλαβε. Από τότε λέει πιστεύει πως είναι απλά βαρετός. Ο παππούς μου δεν ξέρω τι θα έλεγε για αυτό αλλά φαντάζομαι θα συμφωνούσε ανατριχιασμένος και αυτός από τη θεα του ελαφιού.

Πραγματικά δεν θυμάμαι τον παππού μου αλλά πρέπει να ήταν πολύ βαρετός άνθρωπος. Η γιαγιά λέει πως καθόταν δίπλα στο παράθυρο όλη μέρα και στοχαζόταν.Ποτέ δεν κατάλαβα τι εννοούσε μ'αυτό. Κατα βάθος πιστεύω πως το ελάφι σηκώθηκε κάποιο βράδυ και τον πήρε. Αν ο Θεός είναι βαρετός για τη γιαγία μου, σκέψου ο παππούς. Πέρασαν πολλοί απ'αυτό το σπίτι, μα το ελάφι ήταν το μόνο που απέμεινε.

happy

i have a healthy obsession with 11.11. today is November 11th.
i woke up at 7.25 am.
i took a piss, ate quaker with fruit and made myself a coffee. i got coffee that tastes like hazelnut which reminds me of my youth in a weird way. i put my coffe in a pot and smelled it for a couple seconds as i do before consuming it. i didn't drink one drop. i did 33 push ups and read 41 pages from David Sedaris' "Dress Your Family In Curduroy And Denim". i really attach to him, but, i can't feel some parts as i feel like i never passed my youth. i'm pretty sure my memory sells what i buy for remembrances every night that i sleep. mom says it's a good thing.
i went to the post office and got 4 packages.there were 14 people waiting, but, the miss working there gave mine first as i'm a first class customer or maybe she likes thinking of me as her son. i'm pretty sure she's a barren woman and childless.
i went back home and opened the 4 packages. 9 new records and 2 art zines. i'm the happiest man on earth.
i got my cup from the desk and sipped. my coffee is still warm.

11/11 at 11:11
and this is the best moment of my life.
or i'm just superstitious.

selfish.

we share moments and memories.
we share youth and growing old.
we share movies and records.
we share books and magazines.
we share woody allen and john cassavetes.
we share nico and her lovers.
we share new york and berlin.
we share plates and coffee.
we share beds and chairs.
we share sad sex and happy sex.
we share hate fucks and no sex.
we share waking up and going to sleep.
we share two kids and a home.
we share lies and secrets.
we share hopes and dreams.
we share regrets and wills.
we shared a car crash.

but, you decided to keep death only for yourself.

ikea offered me pencils.
i used them to tag next to their own logo.
cheap propaganda.
more soon.

This post is meant to be read with the lights out.

If you can't do so, simply close your eyes and imagine it.

are you really happy with your life right now?

I

Mother,

Jesus came into my dream last night and told me to repent.

Noone can never imagine what i'm doing to you in my dreams.

Even
Jesus
himself
got
the
creeps
.

II

I felt Jesus getting the creeps inside me.
I felt his cheeks turning red in shame.
I felt the fear embracing him when he saw my dreams.
This was the slightest second of my life i believed he might exist.

In 12 days i will be 21.
I have no joy for anything.
No worth in work. No love to study.
I have no courage to learn anything from teachers.
I have no patience to wait until i'm a professional.

I want to sit at home and listen to PJ Harvey.
If i was a woman i would like to be her.
I would like to fuck with the stage and make love with music and keep the world on my vocal chords.
These are my stories from the city.
Boring and shallow.

But, you'll have to wait and see my stories from the sea.

Jony said he fucked her a thousand times.
All the way in 'n' out.
He said she gives head and asks for no return.

Pornography practice and temporary companion.

He said she never says no and i should call her anytime or keep her for the difficult days.
I still don't know which are the difficult days i'm always told about.
He said i could fuck her and piss on her leg and she'd even be happy afterwards.
No charm.

I should start worrying about myself for still listening to such things.
Maybe I should stop eating spicy food before sleep too.

Inside the gap between vast emptiness and the idealism of void

this is where i lose my mind.